Platitudes
No one and no thing could have prepared me for this. It’s not part of any of the pregnancy books or magazines I read. It’s the unspeakable; three miscarriages. I never imagined or even feared that this could be a possibility, that this could be my reality.
The wind has been knocked out of me, again and again and again. I am still alive, but I am barely breathing. I try to gasp for air, but my emotions are consuming me, pulling me down. I am a childless mother.
I am aware that most people could not fathom what I am going through and I don’t expect them to understand. I surely wouldn’t have been able to comprehend the magnitude of this type of loss had I not been through it.
That being said, this blog has always been a place of honesty for me, and I would rather write what I am truly thinking than censor my feelings.
Sometimes people say things to try and comfort me, to make me feel better. Sometimes I smile and say thank you, knowing that they had good intentions. Other times, people say things and I loose it inside, anger overtakes me and I am hurt by words. Sometimes I read things and I cannot believe my eyes, sometimes these thoughts have even popped up in my own head. I cannot sit quietly and let this callousness flutter about me, so the following is a list of things I that I would be happy never hearing, or think, again and I would also suspect other women in my position feel the same.
- “It’s God’s will.” – All I can say to this one is WTF?! Do you really think its God’s will to put me, or any other loving woman, through this?! Does God really intend for child molesters and drug addicts to have babies? I sure hope not?
- “Everything happens for a reason.” – I’m sorry, right now I just don’t think I’ll ever look back and say Gosh, I’m glad I lost those three babies. Ever.
- “There is a lesson to be learned here” I am not a better person, because of this. Plus I can think of plenty of other people who should learn a few things that get to keep their babies…I would have preferred to learn my lessons in a way that didn’t involve the death of my babies. And what is this lesson you speak of anyway?!
- “You just need to move forward now” –Yea, maybe, but guess what? I don’t get to choose how quickly I heal; actually there is no part of grief that is by choice. I didn’t choose to endure this pain. I didn’t choose to feel a part of me die with each miscarriage. Where exactly should I be moving on to, by the way? This is not something I will ever “get over”.
- “Their in a better place now.” I disagree; I think my babies would have had a great life here on earth with us. I may not be prefect, but believe me I would do everything I could to make a prefect life for my babies.
- “It was probably for the best, there was probably something wrong.” Maybe so, but even if they had medical issues or a disability, I would have loved them just the same.
- “At least you’re still young, you can have another one” Seriously? Because I’m only 26 I’m supposed to be less sad about this?
- “You’re lucky you now have an angel in Heaven watching over you.” I’m actually feeling like the most unlucky person in the world right now. I don’t want an angel, I want my babies. If I’m so fortunate, are you hoping your baby turns into an “angel” too? I highly doubt that.
I am sorry for the rant. It’s just how I am feeling. This doesn’t seem fair; there are neither explanations that I can comprehend nor words that can heal me.
You have every right to hate these words … even though the messengers meant well. I hate them, too. I wish that people would simply acknowledge that we are feeling what we are feeling … and ALLOW us to feel that way. It is a horrible thing to experience, and no woman should have to live through three miscarriages. I am so sorry that you are on this wild roller coaster ride, and I only hope that you can be kind to yourself and to your body right now, as much as you may feel like you have been betrayed. *hugs* … I am thinking of you.
I would never say that I know EXACTLY how you feel, but I certainly can empathasize with your pain. I experienced nine miscarriages in our journey to build our family. The pain is unimaginable. The reaction of our friends and family ranged from brief sympathy to downright insensitivity. I heard everything that you typed in this blog and felt everything you wrote in your responses. The one lesson I did learn was to stop spouting those same platititudes to others (while I’d like to think I was never that insensitive, I know I am a LOT more aware of what I say and how I say it to people now).
I won’t tell you that you will stop feeling pain, because you will always feel these losses. Your arms will always ache to hold these lost babies. Even once you have living children, you will still hurt and grieve. But I will promise you ONE thing. It does get easier. As time goes on, you will be able to breathe again without it hurting. You will be able to go five minutes without sobbing.
If you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to contact me. My e-mail address is in my blogger profile. I will warn you that I do have pictures of my two living children on my blog if you do click over.
Take care of yourself and know that you, your husband, and your babies are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hi there, coming from the LFCA to say hello. Also, I am shocked I haven’t found you before.
I really, really get what you are going through and want you to know that you are absolutely not alone. I am sorry and people really don’t understand and say the most stupid albeit well-meaning things.
As a “veteran” of 8 miscarriages [and yes someone actually used that word to describe me the other day!], I can assure you that I hate every single one of those sayings that you listed above and have had them all said to be at some point since my first miscarriage.
Miscarriages suck, in every imaginable way, even more so when you progress beyond 1 or 2. 1 or 2 and it’s like well it could just be fluke, if you have more that’s when you start to have doubts about pregnancy ever working for you.
Big hugs and take some comfort in the knowledge that you are not the only one to suffer those stupid comments you listed, nor to find yourself in the unwanted club of multiple miscarriages, I wish none of us were here.
xxxx
Here from LFCA. I am so very sorry for your loss.
I’m so very sorry for your multiple losses.
The litany of the stupid things people say is equally troubling.
Many hugs of support to you as you heal from this latest blow.
Ooh these platitudes are terrible. I have been hearing “Everything happens for a reason” over and over again recently, and it just makes me want to punch the speaker in the nose. Maybe everything does happen for a reason, but I will never know what that reason is exactly, nor do I care to know.
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish your babies could be with you. You are incredibly strong and brave. I only suffered one miscarriage, and it took everything I had to work up the courage to try again. It is like everything you desire is in the heart of a fire, and to capture it you have to put your hand in and hold it there, knowing all the while that you will have to endure agonizing pain. I hope with all my heart that you will take home a baby someday.
LFCA
So sorry for your losses (*hugs*) I’ve had three myself, it’s never easy and I’ve had my fair share of those comments (The one I hated the most was “It could have been worse.” Ungh.) I say rant away- it feels good to get it out, sometimes you need that. I’ve had my fair share of ranting and venting about stupid comments from people, oh sweet word have I!
Stopping by to offer my support from LFCA. I’ve had four losses and, well, I have (and still do) live and breathe the words that you have said. Sometimes I still feel like I’m barely breathing and am all too ready to throw in the towel.
More importantly though, I’m just so incredibly sorry. Me telling you I can relate to how your feeling sure doesn’t ease the pain. It sucks, plain and simple and sure as hell isn’t fair. (((HUGS)))
Dropping in from LFCA. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I think that if people replaced all the silly things they say with big, real hugs, we would all be so much better off. Sending love and some of those (((hugs))).
I am stopping over from LFCA. I have also had 3 losses, and it’s so true you can’t fathom the pain until you’ve been through it. I can’t stand all of those responses you listed, although I know people mean well when they say them, but it makes me feel like they are trying to talk away my grief.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. Recurrent pregnancy loss bites the big one. I’ll be thinking of you…
Jess
Hi…I’ve been here, reading your posts, and just unsure of what to say and so not saying anything. You’ve been in my thoughts, and your husband, too.
And so, why choose this post to say anything? I guess alongside all those ‘easy answers’ and ‘platitudes’ that people give you, I just want you to know I’m here.
I have just come over from LFCA and wanted to say how sorry I am. This summer I experienced my first real miscarriage after 4 IVFs and 1 DE IVF so although I don’t know exactly how you feel, I can imagine in some small way. What really helped me was reading the book, “Why Bad Things Happen to Good People” it is written by a rabbi, but not a religious book. It helped put some things in perspective for me. Oh and I got a whole lot of the comment: there was probably something wrong with it. I HATED that one. Take care.
Thank you all. Your love and support mean so much to me.
I definitely got my fair share of these comments, too, and you’re right…these are things that just shouldn’t be said. I will continue to be praying for you & your hubby as you grieve. Praying for better days ahead, Erin
I hate every one of those things you wrote, too. As if there could ever be a good outcome, or a good explanation, for why I lost my babies. Ugh.
Sending hugs and kind thoughts your way today.
Jo
I stumbled upon your blog through LFCA, I too am struggling with loss and have experienced pretty much every one of the comments you listed. You summed up my feelings perfectly, I wish people would just say they’re sorry instead of all the things they think will help, but really don’t. I’m sorry for your loss and I pray that this fall brings better things & happier days for your family.
I am so sorry for your losses! Unfortunately many well intending people can say the most insensitive things. This is one reason why I can understand why you may want to not open up to people about how you feel. I just lost #3 on Friday, a D & C. I will be reading your blog closely and praying 4th time is the real deal! You deserve some good news!