No guarantees

I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been waiting for something good to write about, for something positive to happen. My writing feels so depressing and dark right now. I want so badly to be optimistic; I want to think nothing bad could ever happen again.  I want to be happy and naïve. I want to go back to the days before life got a hold of me and showed me what true pain is.

But that’s not going to happen. It could honestly be months before I write again if I am just waiting for a better day. I’d like to tell you I have found hope and feel better, but I haven’t. The last five weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster to say the least. I am sorry if this post doesn’t lift your spirits. I don’t want to pull anyone into the darkness with me, but writing helps me, whether I am happy or sad or angry.

Life makes absolutely no sense to me. Why has this year been the worst year of my life? I was elated in March to find out I was pregnant for the first time, I was devastated in April when I lost the baby. I found hope again when I found out we were expecting again in May. I was horribly nauseous the next three months, I had a cavity filled without Novocain and in July I agonizingly delivered my unborn baby. I bleed into the middle of August, got a horrible sinus infection and this last week had another horribly heart wrenching thing happen.

At 3am Thursday morning, I lied in bed staring at the ceiling, feel nauseous and having an incredible urge to go to the bathroom. Maybe it’s the amoxicillin I am on… but why do I feel pregnant?  It couldn’t be. I could not settle my mind so I got up, took a pregnancy test to banish the thought and was shocked when the test read “Pregnant.” WHAT? There is no way, I haven’t even had a regular cycle since the miscarriage?! Thousands of emotions filled my body. I hadn’t psychologically prepared myself for this, but this is something I want so badly. If I am pregnant will the baby be okay? Maybe its just residual hormones from the miscarriage?

In the morning I called the doctor. There was an indication that my HcG levels would have been back to normal within a few weeks of the miscarriage, it had been four and a half. They told me to start and aspirin regime that day and to get a blood test to confirm my HcG levels. They would call me on Friday with the results and have me take another test on Saturday to see if the levels were increasing.  I felt a slight bit of hope, but I was still cautiously optimistic.

Friday the doctor called and said my HcG levels came back at 212. A non-pregnant woman levels run about 0-5. I can’t believe it, I am pregnant again, so soon, it’s a miracle! I am still afraid, so very afraid. They also tested my progesterone levels and they were low, I started an Rx of progesterone that day. Saturday I gladly went back in to give more blood and I spent the rest of the weekend thinking of the possibilities.

This morning (Monday) the doctors called again, my HcG levels had decreased to 175. I didn’t understand what this meant. Sadly, for the third time, my doctor gave me the news that no woman should ever have to get. I was pregnant, but miscarried.  I had to go back and give blood again, and my sweet doctor invited me in to talk tomorrow.

I honestly don’t understand how one minute you can have so much hope and be so devastated the next. This isn’t fair. This pisses me off. I thought getting pregnant meant you were having a baby in nine months, I thought only old people passed away. I never thought this could happen to me. I am so angry at the world right now.  I have learned in heartbreaking detail that there are just no guarantees in this life.

My world is gut wrenching, suffocating, desperate and dark. Words don’t really do my feelings justice.

Unknown, Cat N.,  Sarah Paquin, Unknown, Deerhead, Erin Reynolds