Back to life

I guess I knew I would have to do this, to face my life again. I don’t think I am ready to accept reality yet, but the world keeps moving. Work is still there, bills are still there, dishes are still there, life is still there. Yesterday was my first day back at work since I lost my little precious baby and it has been horrible.

I feel guilty for the moments in my day when I get so busy that the thought of losing my baby leaves my mind, I then feel guilty for taking a moment to cry at my desk when I should be getting things done. Everyone at my office is so supportive and great, and I feel very fortunate to have these people in my life, but it just doesn’t seem right being here.  Nothing seems important right now. But I also think sitting at home, focusing on what will never come, is also wrong. I thought getting back into a routine would help, but I find very dark moments in my day that make it hard to function.

I feel like I am walking a tightrope over a deep, dark pit of depression and could fall in at any moment. It seems there is no escape. When I am at home, anger and sadness find me.  Driving to work I get blindsided by emotions. At work, grief jumps at me around every other corner and loneliness lurks at my desk. Sleeping brings dreams that make me wake up in a panic. I can not get a break from this.

Today at work I went on a routine site visit for one of the non-profits that we award grant money to, Court Care, a child care center.  I should have prepared myself mentally to see the babies and children there, but there was no way I could physically prepare.  It only took about 30 seconds of a baby crying and I felt a strange wetness on my chest.  I was lactating. Fortunately, I wore a dark shirt and had a notebook to cover myself. Another layer of sadness came over me. That was supposed to be for my baby. Why must I have another awful reminder that my baby is gone?

I am not sure when I will start feeling better, if I’ll ever be myself again. I am going to try. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a counselor who specializes in baby/child loss that my doctor recommended. I think it will be helpful to get some different ideas on how to cope with this.