Missed Miscarriage
The week started on Sunday with the excitement and anticipation of our 12 week check up and ultrasound. I could not wait to see our baby again and get to hear the little heartbeat. Brian and I headed to the Doctor’s office at 9:30 Monday morning, laughing and joking and feeling great. Brian was readying his phone to record this amazing event for our whole family. As we sat in the waiting room discussing what type of position the little one would be in, performing some choreographed kung-fu or sleeping soundly, my first disappointment was not getting our favorite lady, Sue, for our ultrasound, nonetheless we proceeded to the ultrasound room.
As the ultrasound began, the woman was cold and short. It worried me once a few moments passed and she was silent. “What is wrong” I demanded to know. Brian told me later that he thought she didn’t know how to work the machine. “There is no heart beat” she replied. “You need to go see Dr. Baer”. I looked at Brian and he looked at me, the confusion and fear on his face felt like looking into a mirror. As she exited the room, I was frozen in shock. Brian said, “Bitch” and I am pretty sure the woman heard.
As we waited in another room for Dr. Baer, we both concluded that that lady was wrong, had no idea what she was doing. Regardless of our justifications, a horrible feeling sank into the room. Dr. Baer entered and the first thing I heard was “I am sorry”. It felt like a swallowed a whole apple, I could not breathe. Our world came crashing down. I tried my very best to understand what he was saying through my sobbing, but my body was convulsing, my mind reeled and my tears left everything in a blur.
I was so angry, so sad, so confused. How could this happen? Why did this happen? What did I do wrong? How can this happen twice in a row? I felt so confident that our chances of miscarrying were gone at nearly 12 weeks, I was seriously mistaken. This was not at all what we were expecting. I had no cramping, no bleeding, nothing. I still had some nausea, although I believed the weaning symptoms were due to the fact that I was almost in my second trimester.
As the Doctor explained it, we had a missed miscarriage. With no fetal heartbeat, and measuring only at 9 weeks, the baby had passed away. Apparently, my body did not accept this. For three weeks my uterus continued to grow and my body believed that the baby was alive. We were given three options to handle this: let it come out naturally, use medication to speed up the natural process or have a D&C to surgically remove it. We were not prepared to make a decision.
In shock and somber we went home. I cancelled an appointment I had for work later in the day. Brian called into work and then we called our parents for guidance. I felt extremely sad to give them this disappointing news. We are blessed however with a great family and lots of support.
Brian had the idea of grabbing some sandwiches, going up into the mountains, getting some fresh air and talking about it. So we did and the love my husband and I have was more apparent than ever. There are no combination of words that can describe how I feel about him and how glad I am to have him in my life. Overlooking the city, through the pain and sadness, we sorted through the pros and cons.
Waiting to have it come naturally seemed like it could take a while, we worried that a D&C could cause problems later and seemed the most complicated, so we decided to use the medication to speed things up. We called the doctor to get a prescription only to find out that we needed to come in to have the pills inserted vaginally. We went back in that afternoon and had it done. I cried the whole time; there was too much emotional pain and physical pain. He said I would start cramping and bleeding within 6-8 hours and that the fetus should pass within 24 hours. The medication is similar to Pitocin which induces labor, called Cytotec. Vicodin was also prescribed as he said there would be a lot of pain and a follow up ultrasound was scheduled for Wednesday. Once again, we left anguished.
My world felt so upside down. I had so many questions and no answers at all. At home, we just waited… waited to have it hurt worse. It did, but not as I expected. The pain was just enough to keep me up most of the night, but no bleeding. I searched for answers that were not there in books and on the internet all night.
The next day, I told Brian to go to work, reluctantly he did. Talking to my wonderful in-laws the night before, they suggested I read, Why bad things happen to good people by Harold S. Kushner. I had never read it and was willing to try anything to make this feel better. Brian downloaded the book on my reader and I spent the majority of the day reading and rethinking my beliefs.
I have always held the conviction that “Everything happens for a reason” but this idea was very troubling to me now. What we were going through seems so unjustifiable, so unfair. I can’t make sense of it. Was it something I did, something I didn’t do? Was it not the right time? Was something wrong with me, with the baby? Was I being punished for something, was I being tested? Again, no answers surfaced. I have always considered religion and spirituality a personal thing and my connection with God, the Holy Spirit, whatever name people want to attach to that which is greater than us, was coming into question.
If I truly believe that there is a purpose behind everything and that there is an all powerful God, why would he do this to us? Why so much pain? I guess it took something this significant to make me realize that I do not want to believe in a God that would have a master plan were people must hurt and suffer, that because maybe I didn’t pray hard enough bad things would happen. I do not want a God that purposefully causes tragedies like 9/11, hurricane Katrina and parents losing their children. The book opened my mind to a world where there is randomness, where everything is not just an act of God and that Nature does play apart. Instead of believing that everything happens for a reason and that there is a cause for everything, I am accepting the fact that there are things that simply have no purpose in this world. I want to believe in a God that is not the cause of terrible things, rather a God that is simply there to help us get through those terrible things. This idea makes me more comfortable with life right now. It doesn’t take away the pain and heartache, or the feeling like I am in a horrible nightmare, but it does help me find the strength to get through this.
It also makes me realize that the support and love from family and friends is more important and more special than anything in this world. I am so grateful for the people I have in my life. As sad and embarrassed and ashamed I was to tell everyone that we lost the baby, the love and closeness I felt with everyone made those feelings go away.
So by 2:00 p.m. on Tuesday this should be over, I should have passed the fetus. But physically I am feeling better, no cramps, no bleeding. The doctor wants me to keep my appointment for Wednesday. The waiting and anguish continues. I truly feel like I am living someone else’s life. Brian and I spend the night quietly discussing life and how we’re feeling.
When Wednesday morning comes, nothing has happened, no progress at all. I have a slight glimmer of hope that maybe they were wrong. Maybe this little baby was just playing possum, sleeping very deeply. I try not to work myself up and expect that I may need to get a D&C. We get to the doctor’s office around 10:30 a.m., and we were relieved when Sue came to get us for the ultrasound. Although it was not the confirmation I wanted, they way she explained it and talked to us made me feel better. I believe compassion should be a requirement for that sort of job. She shared with us that her daughter had a miscarriage and that they now have a wonderful baby girl. This gives me hope. As she escorts us to see Dr. Baer, she hugs Brian and me, and I feel the kindness I wished for on Monday.
Dr. Baer comes in and seems very surprised that nothing has happened. He informs us that I am the first patient he has ever seen, in all his 15 years that the medication did not work on. We talk about a D&C, he tells us the chances of something going wrong are about 1%. I consider that my luck hasn’t been the best lately and we opt to have one more round of medication. I go home and wait some more. I really hate the waiting, I wish there was something that could divert my mind or keep me distracted. Since I don’t want to pass this at work or in a store or on a run, I am at home with my thoughts. My thoughts are clouded, perplexing; with every hour that passes I get more and more nervous as nothing seems to be happening. Around 6:30 I decide to do the dishes, to try and do something productive and half way through I feel a gush and I quickly head to the bathroom.
Suddenly the pain was excruciating, like nothing I have ever felt before. The blood came out like a fire hose and I was terrified. The emotions shooting though my body in that moment were overwhelming. After roughly a minute of bleeding, I feel something different. Without thinking, I placed a tissue to catch what was coming out. The doctor said we would not be able to tell that it was a baby and I wish he was right. What came out on that tissue was something I will never forget, an image burned into my mind for eternity. It was our baby, unquestionably. It literally felt like a knife just went through my heart. The baby’s eyes and ears were prominent; it had 5 tiny fingers on each hand. It looked so precious and in that instant I would have given anything to give life to this baby. I felt a love and sadness that is inexpressible.
The pain would not let up; I placed the baby on the counter, covered it with another tissue and continued to bleed out. After what I am sure was at least 20 minutes of straight bleeding I began to feel dizzy, sick to my stomach, chilled and very afraid. I felt like I was going to pass out. I called for Brian and he came right away. I saw the concern and fear in his eyes through my tears, but he acted quickly getting me juice and taking my temperature. I was amazed that he knew just what to do. Once I felt stable, I asked him if he wanted to see the baby, he did. We took a moment together and silently gazed at our poor baby’s lifeless body. I told it that we loved it and asked God to watch over it. My heart has never ached so badly.
This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to face, the most agonizing time of my life. Writing this was nearly impossible, but I felt like it is something I needed to do. I am not looking for sympathy or condolences, however I do cherish all the thoughts and prayers I am fortunate enough to get. Writing about this was cathartic in a way. I began this yesterday with the intention of keeping it to myself. I actually wanted to delete my blog entirely. I forced myself to get out of the house and go on a run this morning, despite the pain, and I am glad I did.
I changed my mind about not posting this. I hope that no one else ever has to go through this and I feel that if even one woman reads this who is going through something similar finds comfort in knowing she is not alone, than it is worth putting everything out there.
I am beside myself, embarrassed, ashamed, sad, and angry. My heart is shattered. I feel like my days are filled with unrelenting pain and my nights feel one hundred sad years long. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I have discovered these feeling are okay, necessary even. I know my life will never be the same. My future has been affected, not the past. I have lost two children and I don’t think that is something I’ll ever get over or forget. But I have discovered that accepting randomness in the world can be empowering and that finding comfort in God, family and friends is even more uplifting.
Tiffany – I wanted to let you know that I’ll be praying for you and your husband. You’re constantly in my prayers.
I also wanted to give you a link that I think you may find helpful. It is to the blog of a woman who was expecting in August of this year and has recently gone through a loss as well. Maybe you could get in touch with her and her words would help you as they seem to have helped so many other women in the blogging world.
Here it is:
dearbabycook.blogspot.com
I wish you the best in the future and I’ll continue to pray that you and your husband will be blessed in the coming future.
My 2nd miscarriage was very similar to this one. My body wanted this baby (as much as my heart did) and…eventually…my body accepted the miscarriage. I rejected the medication & the D&C, and the wait was excruciating.
My prayers are with you. I understand your questioning & your lack of understanding in this situation. I believe without a shadow of a doubt that I serve a God who is kind, loving, and full of grace. It isn’t His plan for hurt, disappointment, or death. I believe God’s word (the Bible) is 100% true. Please read Psalm 55:22 & Romans 8:28. I am praying that He bring peace, understanding, trust, and hope in a way that only He can.
Oh, Tiffany. So very sorry. Thinking of you. And above all, you’re so right. Finding comfort in God, family and friends is where it’s at.
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. They help more than you know.
I saw your blog through Nicole’s blog, the Avery Diaries. I just read through your story and wept for your losses. Thank you for sharing your story. I recently lost my son Oliver, at 19 weeks, in May and completely relate to your story. I’m so sorry you have been through it twice. Like you, I thought I was in the clear after 12 weeks. At our 20 week ultrasound, we were told there was no heartbeat. No cramping, bleeding, nothing to signal anything was wrong. It is heartbreaking. I look forward to following your blog.
I just found your blog through top baby blogs, and although it seems horrible to say, it was exactly what I was looking for. I had my first miscarriage in March and my second just a few weeks ago. I was hoping to find someone with a similar story to mine. So thank you for sharing your experiences. I know it’s probably painful to write about, but it does bring comfort to others in similar situations.
I am so sorry for your losses. If it’s any solace, know you’re not alone in your pain. Eventually hope will return to your life.
I just learned yesterday at 12 weeks that my baby also died at 9 weeks. The last 14 hours have been excruciating and reading this felt like putting the thoughts in my head into words. I am meeting today to discuss the D&C, thank you for sharing your story, it made a difference for me.
I am so sorry for your loss. I too have had two miscarriages in the past. One was last December. I am pregnant again at twelve weeks. I came across your story searching about missed miscarriages online. My next appointment is next week and I have to admit I’m absolutely terrified about getting such bad news, hence, my desperate search for comfort and strength in preparation for the worst. It is comforting to know that there is nothing new under the sun and that many have shared the same sorrows. I mainly wrote a comment to share with you that even though this is a fallen world, God has promised in the book of Revelation 21:4 that “He will wipe every tear from our eyes. There will be no more death, or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things have passed away”. In my darkest nights I hold on to that promise. An end to this fallen world will come. The Lord found me in my deepest darkest sadness and changed my life. Maybe this is your time. God Bless You. P.S. This is my sixth pregnancy and I presently have three children Wonderfully made by God.
Thank you for posting your story, I am going through a missed miscarriage right now. This is my 3rd miscarriage… 2nd missed miscarriage. With the first, I lost the baby when we would have been 10 weeks. The baby had stopped growing at about 9 weeks. I opted to wait for a natural miscarriage and it took almost 2 weeks to happen. It was an emotional roller coaster to say the least. This past Thursday, I went in for an 8 week check-up because of my age (40) and I had a little spotting the week earlier. Up until this u/s, the baby was growing and heartbeat was strong. When they did the u/s, I knew it was bad because I was looking for that flicker of the heartbeat and it was gone. The tech tried to measure the heart waves but their was no movement. It is devastating to see and to hear that your baby is gone. I have opted for a d&c next Thursday if I cannot go on my own. I am hoping and praying that my body can do this, but quickly… it was very hard to wait so long the 1st time and now I just want it over with so I can have closure and move on.
It’s sad and disappointing… this was my final try. I promised myself if it happened again, I would move on and give up trying for another baby. I have 2 beautiful boys and a wonderful husband… if anything, I have learned that I need to be thankful for what I have even if sometimes, I feel like our family is not complete. For me, this 3rd miscarriage has shown me that maybe it is.
Thanks for sharing your story. If anything, it is comforting to know that you are not alone and there are others out there sharing in the same grief and pain as you.
I pray that you are well and are able to have a healthy pregnancy someday!
First, I would like to say thank you to the originator of this post. The detail you have entered is so honest and equally heartbreaking.
I have had 2 missed miscarriages and it has been devastating. At my first pregnancy, my first ultrasound at 12 weeks found no heartbeat or growth beyond 8.5 weeks. I was left confused, sad, stunned and heartbroken. I waited for another week for a natural miscarriage with no luck. So I booked a D&C. All went fine physically but left me emotionally saddened for some time. That was in December.
Fortunately, I fell pregnant again in March. The whole time I was trying to be positive yet more cautious in my actions. I organised an early scan at 7.5 weeks to check on the development. My husband and I left so excited to have heard positive news with a strong heartbeat. The following week, I personally went to organise my next appointment for the 12th week. I was lucky enough to be offered a quick check of a heartbeat only because they new I was a little anxious.
((
The outcome was not good. No heartbeat or growth beyond 8.1 week. Today, I went in for my second D&C
Only this time I requested that I have my fetus tested and we will be going in for further testing. I believe this way, if there is a problem we will know of a cause and assist it if possible, or simply nothing is wrong it was just not meant to be.
This time I feel better prepared and supported not only by my close knit family and friends but that I also have started an action plan to work out our combining genes.
I pray that there is a simple problem with an easy solution.
Thank you to everybody for sharing there traumatising experiences and assisting others who yearn to read similar situations. Wishing you all wonderful and successful future baby outcomes.
I’m glad you decided to post this. You are very brave and this definitely is helping me get through my own tough experience. Thank You